I Touched Jennifer Hudson – Skinny is as Skinny Does

 

I have always been a proponent of the time-honored fashion mandate:  We don’t wear leather in 90-degree weather and we don’t dress frilly when it is kind of chilly. Of course, as a celebrity you can be tempted to not always follow this golden rule, because if Marc Jacobs says the hottest trend for winter is an off-the-shoulder Glad sandwich bag, well then you wear an off-the-shoulder Glad sandwich bag… no matter what the temperature.  Thankfully, there are some stars who know that classic style doesn’t come with a ziplock.  One of those is Oscar-winner Jennifer Hudson.

I encountered Jennifer in the very chic lobby of the Andaz Hotel in New York City.  Or I should say, I encountered what’s left of her.  The girl has lost so much weight she looks like just one of the Olsen Twins (Mary-Kate, not Ashley).  But even as only half of her true self, Jennifer looked fierce, which isn’t easy to do when you are heading out the door into a torrent of freezing rain so nasty even Snooki would put on underwear (the tiny lace ones with the whiskey flask clip-on pouch).

The big issue for Jennifer, of course, is that much like a polar bear fighting global warming, she has lost a lot of her fat reserves.  Meaning, she needs to wrap up when she goes outside.  And, let me tell you this, dear reader, I don’t know who invented the cape coat, but it is nothing short of amazing and Jennifer was rocking it (rocking being a good thing, not rocking like Miley Cyrus hugging herself in a dark corner) .  Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow as deep as Tori Spelling’s awful cleavage could keep Jennifer from looking hot.

Jennifer was heading for the door when I spotted her, so I was going to use the same Celebrity Touch™ tactic I executed with singer Adele:  open the door for her like any good, stalkerish gentleman would, and touch her on the back as I ushered her out into the forbidding cold. 

OK, let me say this… the doorman at the Andaz Hotel can go screw himself for appearing out of nowhere to open the door for me and Jennifer, thus crushing my Celebrity Touch™ strategy.  Damn you and your excellent customer service!

Thankfully, my meds had yet to kick in, so my head was clear enough to quickly alter my strategy.  As I was about to exit the doorway, I paused, executing the yet-untested “Oh my goodness, it’s brisk outside today” touch tactic (And the Oscar for best overly dramatic, slight-effeminate reaction to New York weather goes to…).  My sudden stop forced Jennifer, who was behind me, to change her course.  And, even in her wafer-thin new body, she had to brush past me as she slinked out the doorway.  Celebrity Touch™ secured!  At that point, thanks to her cape coat and waifish silhouette, she was immediately caught up in a sudden gust of wind, took flight and was blown to Hackensack.