Celebrity Touch
Target: Lars Ulrich
Why: Because I
thought the outspoken drummer for heavy metal rock band Metallica was actually nonagenarian Betty White
Where: United Airlines flight from JFK to SFO
How: It is a known fact that rock stars age about as
well as a Jim Carrey RomCom. So when you
see a rock legend in person, you are as likely to mistake them for a sad, week-old
Edible Arrangement,
as you are a Grammy-award winning artist.
That is exactly why my faithful travel companion Elizabeth had to point
out, on a recent flight from New York, that the shriveled thing sitting in First
Class wasn’t a coworker’s half-hearted attempt to gain favors through skewered fruits
and vegetables, but the perpetually angry little drummer for heavy metal band
Metallica. Complete with a buckwheat-filled
neck pillow (Enter Sandman indeed!), Lars Ulrich and his wispy Crypt
Keeper coiffure was unfortunately many, many rows away from my well-manicured
Celebrity Touching fingers. The closest
thing to a celebrity near me was the caterwauling Russian infant across the row
looking to replace Ann Wilson as the lead singer of Heart (not possible). How was I going to touch Lars if I was way
back here? Would I be denied this prime Celebrity Touch™? As luck would have it, when we landed, the
gods (and by gods, I mean Stevie Nicks, Pat Benatar and Debbie Harry) were with
me, because Lars got up from his seat and just stood there… as if he was actually
waiting for me… or maybe he thought I was Steven Tyler given the multitude of vibrant
hemp scarves I was donning due to something called a “Polar Vortex.” I
shimmied up the aisle like Axl Rose in genital-restricting John
Varvatos leather trousers
and grazed Lars’ grandma clapper as I walked past. Surprisingly, he didn’t disintegrate like so
many Ark of the Covenant-gazing Nazis. Celebrity Touch secured!
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