I have always been a proponent of the time-honored fashion
mandate: We don’t wear leather in 90-degree
weather and we don’t dress frilly when it is kind of chilly. Of course, as a
celebrity you can be tempted to not always follow this golden rule, because if Marc Jacobs says the hottest trend for
winter is an off-the-shoulder Glad sandwich bag, well then you wear an
off-the-shoulder Glad sandwich bag… no matter what the temperature. Thankfully, there are some stars who know
that classic style doesn’t come with a ziplock.
One of those is Oscar-winner Jennifer Hudson.
I encountered Jennifer in the very chic lobby of the Andaz Hotel in New York City. Or I should say, I encountered what’s left of
her. The girl has lost so much weight
she looks like just one of the Olsen Twins
(Mary-Kate, not Ashley). But even as
only half of her true self, Jennifer looked fierce, which isn’t easy to do when
you are heading out the door into a torrent of freezing rain so nasty even Snooki would put on
underwear (the tiny lace ones with the whiskey flask clip-on pouch).
The big issue for Jennifer, of course, is that much like a
polar bear fighting global warming, she has lost a lot of her fat
reserves. Meaning, she needs to wrap up
when she goes outside. And, let me tell
you this, dear reader, I don’t know who invented the cape coat, but it is
nothing short of amazing and Jennifer was rocking it (rocking being a good
thing, not rocking like Miley Cyrus
hugging herself in a dark corner) . Neither
rain, nor sleet, nor snow as deep as Tori
Spelling’s awful cleavage could keep Jennifer from looking hot.
Jennifer was heading for the door when I spotted her, so I
was going to use the same Celebrity Touch™ tactic I executed with singer Adele: open the door for her like any good,
stalkerish gentleman would, and touch her on the back as I ushered her out into
the forbidding cold.
OK, let me say this… the doorman at the Andaz Hotel can go
screw himself for appearing out of nowhere to open the door for me and Jennifer,
thus crushing my Celebrity Touch™ strategy.
Damn you and your excellent customer service!
Thankfully, my meds had yet to kick in, so my head was clear
enough to quickly alter my strategy. As
I was about to exit the doorway, I paused, executing the yet-untested “Oh my
goodness, it’s brisk outside today” touch tactic (And the Oscar for best overly
dramatic, slight-effeminate reaction to New York weather goes to…). My sudden stop forced Jennifer, who was behind
me, to change her course. And, even in
her wafer-thin new body, she had to brush past me as she slinked out the
doorway. Celebrity Touch™ secured! At that point, thanks to her cape coat and
waifish silhouette, she was immediately caught up in a sudden gust of wind,
took flight and was blown to Hackensack.
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