Celebrity Quick Touch - Adele

 

Celebrity Touch Target:  Adele

Why:  Because this UK singer and Hefty Hideway gal is burning up the charts

Where:  London Hotel West Hollywood

How:  I have to credit my faithful travel companion Elizabeth for this one, as I was not paying attention when Adele’s black Escalade pulled into the valet line.  It must have been because I was admiring my new Ted Baker leather coat in the mirror, which is truly fantastic.  Anyway, as Adele sprung (well, more like kinda flopped) from the car, Elizabeth slapped me hard across the face, with her good hand, and pointed her out.  I sprung into action, pretending to walk back into the hotel right in front of her.  As Adele neared the door, I opened it for her, as a gentleman does, touching her on the shoulder as she walked past (as only a creepy gentleman does).  Touch secured!

I Touched Jessica Simpson – What A Doll!

 

The iconic Barbie Doll was first unleashed on an unsuspecting world in 1959 (the same year Fidel Castro came to power in Cuba, which explains a lot).  A huge hit for Mattel, apparently the throngs of repressed mothers who bought them for their precocious daughters didn’t give much thought to the fact that Barbie’s proportions didn’t reflect reality in the least.  If she was a real person, Barbie would be a horrifying 33” hips, 18” waist - same as mine - and a Dolly-challenging 39” bust, all immortalized in shiny, slick and highly-flammable plastic (apologies to my sisters… plastic boobs are flame magnets).  Barbie’s glossy, seam-busting frame is exactly what came to mind the night I touched Jessica Simpson.

Jessica Simpson was on display at an exclusive hideaway in New York’s West Village (which wasn’t so exclusive as to not allow my alcohol-enhanced entourage to walk in the door).  She was perched at a table with scores of frenemies and her surprisingly handsome husband, all apparently having just arrived in Jessica’s Barbie Corvette.  As I stumbled into the room, I instantly detected her presence using my Celebrity Location Assistance Powers (the CLAP). 

What strikes you immediately, like so many Amanda Bynes-driven vehicles, is that every single thing about Jessica looks a little bit fake – her hair, her face, her clothes, her breathing. It is almost as if she just came off the highly mechanized Barbie assembly line.

As I watched (read: stalked) her, I notice she really didn’t say much.  Apparently someone had broken the string in her back from pulling it too many times to make her talk (or more likely, her husband cut the cord).  She just sat there with a permanently painted smile on her plasticized face, like Ann Romney in a pharmacy.  Of course, her face was over-shadowed (thanks to dramatic up-lighting) by her massive breasts, which were trying to escape their bindings like so many women’s feet in China.

She simply looked like a giant, weird doll.  To be clear, like a Barbie doll (see above), not like a sex doll because I don’t think Jessica’s stretched skin could make that “O” face. 

Now, while she didn’t come in her original protective packaging, this Celebrity Touch™ wasn’t going to be easy.  Jessica was seated behind a long table, and apparently this doll was not a Betsy Wetsy, because she did not get up once in nearly three hours to tinkle.  Why was she making this touch so difficult?  I had more drinking to do!

So, there I sat, with trusted touching companions Spice Rack, Darling Nicky and Brooke – our meal long since finished – waiting for Jessica to leave, so I could obtain a pretty premium Celebrity Touch.  Finally, she showed actual signs of life, standing to make her move to exit the restaurant and return to her Dream House with Ken.  Now was my chance!

She would have to walk past me to leave the tiny, trend-right restaurant.  As she did, I slid my chair back across the former leather factory (see note:  trend-right) floor and my elbow made contact with Jessica’s bottom.  Truthfully, my elbow fully ricocheted off her bottom, because it was Spanxed within an inch of its life, creating kind of a plasticky trampoline which bounced my elbow from her ample derriere, causing my Campari and Soda to splash towards The Rack, who easily dodged it like so many male genitalia over the years.  Party foul (and Spice Rack’s wrath) averted and Celebrity Touch secured!

I Touched Susan Sarandon – I Wanna Feel Dirty

 

When touching young Hollywood starlets, I do so enjoy the thrill of the chase and the very real chance of contracting a venereal disease.  However, it is the more mature silver screen royalty who I enjoy pursuing most of all.  This is particularly true of Oscar winners, because their skin is extra soft and they have that new car smell.  But, much like Mel Gibson’s sanity, Oscar winners are hard to find.  This is why I was so surprised and excited to have crashed a party recently, only to find myself staring down the ample bosom of Academy Award-winner Susan Sarandon.

 

Well, I guess I really shouldn’t have been so surprised.  After all, I did crash a Susan Sarandon meet and greet at the Sonoma Film Festival.  My Latino drinking buddy and sock stylist Manuel had gotten me in.  And there was Susan, looking resplendent in a burgundy Chinese silk wrap-around number that would make Helen Mirren insane with jealousy.

 

When I saw Susan, I had to think back to the first time I had ever experienced her work and how ironic that experience was in light of this very moment as an official Celebrity Toucher™.  The Rocky Horror Picture Show was the entertainment vehicle.  A very young Susan was on the big screen dressed in nothing more than her D-cup Maidenform bra and lacy panties, singing a song with the lyrics:  “Ta, Ta, Ta, Ta, Touch Me!  I wanna feel dirty!”  Well guess what Susan? Tonight it wasn’t only going to be your hot 30 year old ping pong-playing boyfriend who was going to be touching you.  It would be me, the original Celebrity Toucher™.  As far as the “feeling dirty” part goes, well, you are on your own unless you want to do Kiehl’s mud masks together over a cup of Celestial Seasonings.

 

You must understand, with an Oscar winner, I really don’t like to leave anything to chance in my Celebrity Touch™.  This is why I was going to execute the daring, patented “Back to Back” lean in.  For this maneuver, I would position myself behind Susan and slowly lean back until my back touched hers.  Now, this may sound like an easy move, but let me remind you of the time my faithful companion Spice Rack (see Ben Stiller Touch) leaned too far back into Jeremy Piven, actually toppling over due to her top- heavy nature, sending them both cascading to the ground in a heap of breasts and hair plugs.

 

Needless to say, I wasn’t about to let that happen with Susan.  I moved in behind her as she was taking pictures with the amateur celebrity stalkers (Remember:  a real Celebrity Toucher™ NEVER takes a picture with a celebrity… that is beneath us).  I set my feet properly, aligned my back at the right trajectory and began the slow, slow, slow lean back.  Well, dear reader, that’s when things headed the same direction as Tara Reid’s career… downward.  I was bumped by a waitress and I was about to pull a Spice Rack.

 

Thankfully, my years in the Blue Man Group paid off and I was able to catch my balance before I squashed this Oscar winner with my broad shoulders (and tiny, tiny waist).  However, I did touch her a lot harder than I would ever touch myself.  Startled, I turned to look to see if she even noticed, which amazingly, she hadn’t.  I guess too many ping pong balls hitting her in the face had dulled her senses.  Premium, Academy Award-level Celebrity Ta, Ta, Ta, Ta, Touch ™ secured and no one ended up feeling dirty.